These relationships have blossomed over the years. I feel for the adoptive mom…she spent the time, money and energy and it is not ‘enough” when confronted with the bio mom. What do you think you were doing all those years? And whoever adopts those poor kids I hope protects them forever from the BM, Kay Bear-I PM’ed you. I knew at a young age I was adopted, but had very very little information about my bio parents until recently. I’m a 50 yr old adoptee from the forced adoption era in Australia x just over 20 yrs ago our government allowed us access to our original birth Certs and I found my mother x which was the best day of my life’ x my adoptive mother went crazy when she found out , that day was the beginning of the end of our relationship x she forbid me to have any relationship and said know you know what you look like that’s it you don’t need to see her any more . Now, when I did contact the agency and they got in touch with his folks, he was almost 17. People could say Hi, mingle, chat with a variety of people to keep things less intense, but once they had gotten a sense of each other, we could all chat more the next morning with obvious go-to topics of the party, the wedding, and the weather. And btw, I’m pretty sure Claudia waited until her son was an adult so in the end, I can’t see that it is anyone else’s business. So while I love the concept of open adoption, I wish it were truly open to all parties involved. I understand how you feel. As we educated ourselves on our journey to parenthood through adoption we met adults and teenagers who had a hole in their identity not knowing who they looked like, acted like, etc. according to you there is no right and wrong. So, you are concerned about what is bothering your adopted child, and are trying to figure out what’s wrong with her. “She didn’t do anything wrong, and they just took us away”, “She said they could have kept me, but my brothers were too much for her, and foster care said we all had to go together”, etc. If my parents don't have what I have someone in my family does. That’s one reason that I don’t think you want that a closed adoption, but there are other positive things about open adoption for adoptees and adoptive parents (and birth parents too). No, it’s not a jab thrown at me to say: Ha ha! I personally love the fact we have open adoptions for our 2 boys. Now if you do have any more questions I suggest you go to my blog where i have been writing since 2005 or better yet, ask ME directly rather than assuming or thinking the worse about my story or my motivations and intentions. It sounds like your son was the one that choose to leave his adoptive parents out of the loop. Marilyn, Wow – that’s it! I am still mom too, but the importance of it seems watered down when I get lumped together with her when I know the truth. I appreciate reading all the comments so far. I don’t understand Mary’s comment about “enough”. How we feel along our own journeys definitely varies. I still think she is violating and going back on her word. It feels like a zero sum game. And I do not feel that it is fair to judge the AP’s for keeping their distance in light of such realities-it would be hard for anyone, regardless of how they felt about openness in adoption, to feel safe or respected in the presence of someone who held such negative views of how their family came to be, and who saw herself as a victim of injustice in the whole scenario. http://www.adoptivefamiliescircle.com/groups/topic/About_being_different/#reply-40253. For the risk-adverse, stepping out of our comfort zones, putting ourselves out there can be huge. Start your search to find your birth parents today. Not much I can do about either, so I’m working on letting go and being. Some adoptees are close to their adoptive parents and not interested in reunion with their birth family or having an ongoing relationship, some are like Sandy and I who wanted to have a relationship with both of their families, and I have also encountered a couple of adoptees who met their birth family and then left their adoptive families (one of them was a guy who had a adoptive father who didn’t treat him very well). It’s much better than pretending that you don’t have these feelings or squashing them down. But he opened a can if worms and she is very needy. I would have LOVED to have had an adoptive parent to fall back on for support, but that wasn’t something I had. I do not know the AP’s of Ms. D’Arcy’s son, but I would not judge them too harshly for putting distance between themselves and someone who sees them and other AP’s in such a negative light. i dont get to see the grand children ether! Sometimes they just change. You are also right, that learning happens best in an safe place where respect is shown. It's so hard to separate who I am from my life experience as an adopted person that I have no clue if my rejection sensitivity is "just me" or "just me because I'm adopted." Timing can be everything. My birthmom is also a sweet person and it went well, and they became friends (not real close friends), but friends and the following year my husband, my mom and I went to visit my birthmom and spent a week with her, and then each time my birthmom came to visit me we also saw my mom too. When I was an adult, my birthmom also reached out and contacted me and I received her letter at my mom’s house when I was there visiting (and just my mom and I were there alone)! This was most likely just fear on their part. I felt as if he should be on my side i did all the work, love support to go now and want 2 moms.. It was because if HOW it happened. If the A mom does not want to become like the jealous fish wife that gets snuck around on she’d better realize that she knew it was not an exclusive 1 on 1 relationship when she got into it. I love them both and I would not choose one over the other and I mean that. These are of course only my opinions, and you know your own situation best. I had a decision to either wait until he turned 18 on Nov 14 that year or let him know I had found him. And when I sent him a gift ON his 18th birthday, they called the agency to complain. I must be not seeing it. My dad had already passed away when this happened and I know it was really hard for my mom, but she had faith in God and was a sweet and caring person. Try not to forget that you got to raise him from an infant, and his birth mother did not. Now that you’ve acknowledged them, reframe them in a way that makes no one second fiddle. We aren’t gonna agree on this so you all know where I stand. And I half expect that I will be the one left out of such things. And you know what? It isn’t fun when people whom you care about are making decisions for you without even asking. Thank you Dawn for sharing too, you and Sandy have probably met more adoptees than I have. Steffe Lynne, thanks for sharing your thoughts. What a disgusting person you are for this comment. Adoption is never as simple or as straightforward as people try to make out. ... group issues can happen throughout our life time. And I count myself in there too, but I will NOT take full blame no matter what you might want to assume. It can be very scary as an adoptive mom for our child to have a personal relationship with their birthmom because of different fears that we can have, such as being scared that maybe we will not be thought of as their ‘real mom’ anymore or maybe your child will love their birthmom more than they love you, etc. A woman I was ministering to came to me and said how evil the state was for taking her grand daughter away. Well a few months later changed everything. She did respect their choice and contacted him later as an adult. Also I think a reunions can strength the relationship of all involved but only if all are involved in the process. And I have to ask, would you reasonably do that for anyone? They are not positioned to him in the same way they are separate relationships they are not really overlapping. If HE wanted to find her then he would have. Creating a Family is committed to learning, educating, and supporting. They stated that they thought he was “not interested” but though perhaps later, “when he was in college”. We actually feel less daunted by adolescence because we have some footholds to provide to her as she climbs that mountain. Don’t despair! Btw many adoptees who say that they had supportive parents say that eventually their relationship is closer – I think that that support shows the adoptee that their parents’ love comes without strings. I’m a 50 yr old adoptee from the forced adoption era in Australia x just over 20 yrs ago our government allowed us access to our original birth Certs and I found my mother x which was the best day of my life’ x my adoptive mother went crazy when she found out , that day was the beginning of the end of our relationship x she forbid me to have any relationship and said know you know what you look like … Also I’m trying to garner interest in the idea of adopted people and donor offspring and anyone whose birth record is not biologically accurate going and asking for it corrected under Hippa here in the US but also in the UK and Australia. A birth mother seeking out their adult child is not STALKING. They both know who their bmoms are although they live out of state so we haven’t “seen” them for several years. He’s adjusting to this new relationship, and that takes focus. As an adoptee, it was both really cool and also really hard sometimes and then you add in the feelings of others really important to you that may not have wanted or approve of the reunion that makes it harder. That feeling of being left out makes my negative thought processes kick into overdrive sometimes. And it really does depend on the circumstances surrounding the closed adoption… things that we don’t know. Is there any way I can both … I give up – I support all sides of the triad. Would that be wrong as well? Honestly this reminds me a little of having my parents and my soon-to-be in-laws meet for the first time at our wedding. Some people might need it later in life. They are born, they die, get married, busy or ill. My daughter turns to no one but her husband, the … Would you? Reunions bring out complicated feelings. So, the short answer to your question, Greg, is that in most ways it is “me” not “her”. But at the same time, they may have told him but he didn’t want to know her. Here I am now. I don’t think a birthmother and adoptive mother are each just a part of their child’s mother, I think they are both mothers but with different roles in their child’s life. no it never says they didn’t tell him. It isn’t fun to be lied to. I do wish they had wanted to gather some info for me rather than forgetting they had this envelope of pictures for 20 something years. As a parent, when your child is being left out, often the first instinct is to jump into the fight.Cordiano urges restraint. Although the parents are certainly within their rights to say “No I won’t attend your graduation/wedding/child’s christening (etc)”, the likelihood that this will cause the child pain at feeling a need to choose, is high. Do I make sense? While it’s true the birth mother violated the … It has to be something they want for it to be meaningful. I think I would want to meet them–not because I was looking for a new mom or dad, but because they and their genetics are a part of me. This is not something I would invite my adoptive parents to as I just don’t trust them enough. Kudos to you for facing your feelings and for seeking advice. No not really it implies a desire to have something or someone all to oneself. For Kay B: First, Claudia didn’t “choose closed adoption.” The only way someone can make a choice is to be given at least two alternatives from which to choose. Anonymous, to the extent that this discussion has come off as a judging Claudia’s son’s adoptive parents, I agree. My daughters are 7 and 4. In my situation, when my kids get older they get to decide – do they want less info sent, do they want to pick what I share? I’m betting his heart is big enough to hold you both in it and love you both. I DO worry about things like weddings and babies. Those eyes you love watching light up at a new toy or figuring out a new skill or getting accepted into the college of their choice are the result of other people’s genetics. We WOULD be pleased to see another generation that swims in our gene pool. Though I am a 1960s adoptee, my aparents have never had an issue in regards to the possibility of us children reuniting with our bfamily. Your email address will never be published. I was too focused on myself when I was young. I’ve tried to catalog and keep every scrap of info I can get for them when they want it. Kay Bear I feel sorry that you have a view of adoption that seems to vilify birth families. since they did not have any birth family contact due to how placements were made at the time. My … I’m just someone they� It was a shameful period in adoption history. I never got to meet my daughter’s mom; she had passed away years earlier. As an adoptee, it is VERY hard to go through life not knowing the faces or names of your biological parents. Adoptees can feel one or the other, both, or fluctuating between emotions depending on the season of their life. You should not have contacted the adopted parents’ son while he was a minor. Kudos to you for taking the initiative on behalf of your children. By the way everyone, Claudia blog over at the excellent blog Musings of the Lame (http://www.adoptionbirthmothers.com/musings-of-the-lame-an-adoption-blog/), Claudia, thank you for writing and sharing with us too. and there would be less obligation to make conversation. In fact, she has been pretty good and I know I am lucky She seems to like the sound of my bfamily (who are quite close) as she says they sound like her own family growing up and she feels sad that with her living overseas, she doesn’t see them much. Meanwhile, his adoptive parent feels left out. She has had a habit of telling me off and yelling at me and I should have never put up with it. Similarly, your son doesn’t have to divide his allocated love between you and his birth mom. When my birthmom visited me for the first time a few months later, my mom invited her over and they met too. I understand that the truth might be a shocker but thank god that every cloud has a silver lining. But they are a relay team it took two people to get the job done. Why not, I reasoned, why not avoid search and possible reunion altogether by choosing to remain in contact with the woman (and man) who made a conscious decision to make me a mom? This so very much reminds me of all of Matthew Salesses' discussions about what is adoption-related and what isn't — how can any of us tell? I don’t know what percentage of adoptees have adopted themself, I would be curious to know? I should have done it long ago. Emotional snub was far worse. We took our time and I had hoped gave his parents the time to adjust to the fact that reunion was a positive thing for our son, but when we met for the first time again in 2007, it was just him and I. Do adoptive parents not get equal say here? well I totally agree that it would be wrong if the AP didn’t share that the birth mom was trying to contact him. Not being included in a social activity, a family activity, can be a real trigger—leading to anger, depression, sadness, and more. Supporting Adoptive, Foster, & Kinship Families, Your email address will not be published. I don’t know if you know me yet, I’m an adoptee (from a closed adoption) and also an adoptive mom in an open adoption with our childrens’ birthmother (which I wanted). I reassured her that she was ‘my mom’ and I think in time she saw that it didn’t change my relationship with her. By telling a child that they and their family are not good enough you are doing irreparable harm. Of course none of us have been able to live both, but we do feel adoptees still have the best advice based on living adopted. Hopefully in time they will loosen up. What about the adoptive parents? And as we move through life, we slot in and out of different social groups. When a child or baby is adopted or separated from their biological mother for ANY REASON, no matter when it happens in life, it causes a trauma for this child. I had good adoptive parents but there was a … I might also point out that adoptive parents are also a very diverse group–some feel very threatened by their children connecting to their birth family, some welcome it with open arms, and some fall somewhere in between. Let them make their own healthy choices about their life. That’s where I got that. I hope in time those who are too fearful now to be involved in a reciprocal relationship with their child’s family that they open up and allow them to enter and be a family together it is so worth it!! 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